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Amnesia 7
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Amnesia - Issue 07 (1991-11-23)(Eclipse).adf
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1989-05-09
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Once upon a time there was a
mathematician who found an equation for
GOD. It was, of course, a very
complicated equation but, she figured,
all she had to do was find a computer
system which (1) had a large enough
memory to store all the necessary
variables and (2) was fast enough to
gather all the information together.
Once this was accomplished, all the
mysteries of the Universe could be
solved...
...So the government took every available
micro-processor, linker, loader,
assembler and anything else they had
available, put them all together, and
then asked the computer:
"IS THERE A GOD?"
Unfortunately, however, the
computer's response was that it would
take, at the very least, a century or
two to solve the problem...
...This wasn't good enough for the
beaurocrats in Washington, who for the
first time in their life deired something
other than that status quo, so they
decided to follow that up by taking every
single computer in the *entire nation*
and linking them all together into one
giant, ever-so-much-bigger, super-
powerful-computer and asked, once again,
"I S T H E R E A G O D?"
Well, this time the computer
said that it would take only ten years
to solve the equation. Not as bad, but
still not quick enough to satisfy all
the eager philosophers and scientists.
"Something more must be done!" they
would shout...
...By this time the whole world was
beginning to pay some attention and
everone wanted to get involved. One
everyone argued about which country could
claim credit and settled all the basic
disputes, they drafted a joint resolution
to build the computer and discover the
amount of truth in the assertation that
there is a God.
So -- they took every computer
system in the world and linked them all
together into one single amazing
supercomputer, the likes of which had
NEVER, EVER, been seen before, and once
again asked:
"I
S
T
H
E
R
E
A
G
O
D?"
And the computer's response was...
"T H E R E
I S
N O W."
I just got this in the mail. Thought you guys might enjoy it. The question
he answers, by the way, is straight off a Stanford Application. Kathleen,
recognize it?
Anne
The following essay, by Hugh Gallagher, 18, won first prize in the
humor category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It is stolen from
the August, 1990 issue of Harper's.
3A. ESSAY
IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU,
THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic
slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.
I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I
have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last
summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force
demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me
fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I once read _Paradise Lost_, _Moby Dick_, and _David Copperfield_ in
one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that
evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep
once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in
Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had
seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a
toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San
Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and
I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
--------------------
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is
to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,
because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think
you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to
get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the
same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for
crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot
of frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse
than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. Love is a hole in the heart.
31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone
into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on
the moon.
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
33. Do it only with the best.
34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine
women.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at
all.
39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the
women he couldn't.
44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the
stick.
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
46. Never say no.
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
52. Love comes in spurts.
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other
eight are unimportant.
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they
fall in love.
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
60. "This won't hurt, I promise."
M A N -- To -- M A N
--------------------
MEN'S UNSPOKEN RULES
....................
For modern men, we've compiled a brief list of those unspoken guidelines.
These rules look fairly ridiculous on paper, but now that we've documented
them, you can show them to your wife or girlfriend and say, "See, honey, I'm
not the only one who does this stuff..."
THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES:
* On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you're
lost.... Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious
Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants like the
great Lewis and Clark explorers of old.
* But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another
guy...because he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the
third time.
* Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both
sides....It's all about who's out in front.
* Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit
you're a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics....If your car won't
run and you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked ring. Have you
checked the compression?"
* A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as
simple as programming his new VCR...but to cook something as simple as
oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical
engineer.
* Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a
particular sport, especially if it's during the finals...."Yeah, that Bo,
he's really something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!."
* Never admit you don't understand a political issue....Opinions are like
whiskers. You're not an adult male without them.
* There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there'e a remote control
handy ...Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like
flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.
* If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel....It's
unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your
feet.
* Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like
"Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is that
awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once
she meets me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that this means you
value his freindship.
* If a man cuts you with one of those insults, tell your girlfriend that it
hurt your feelings, and you'll come off more sensitive than Phil Donahue.
But never reveal it to the other guy...."Coach, when you said I was a
low-life turdbrained doofus for striking out with the bases loaded, it made
me feel small and sad."
* Never reveal anything about your true, actual authentic and biological sex
life to another guy...unless the guy is your urologist.
* A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife.
He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should
be able to outplay her in any activity, from Ping-Pong to chess....Having
met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned
about such things.
* If there are more than two urinals in a restroom and one is being used,
`thing happens within 30 seconds, don't just stand there
like a geek; shake (3 shakes maximum, anymore and the guy next to you will
probably ask you for a date), zip up your fly, flush the toilet and walk
away.
* When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when
you're finished...but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands
as if you were preparing for brain surgery.
* If you can't take it, you're not a man (whatever "it" might be)....Maybe
you're scared of roller coasters, but if your buddies want to go on one,
you'd better gird your loins and groan through the zero-Gs or you'll never
hear the end of it.
* Ingore or deny physical pain...As comedian Billy Crystal reports, "Mike
Tyson once hit Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance Ann-Margret did
in Bye Bye, Birdie. Did he hurt you, Trevor? 'I was, ah, stunned, that's
all, just stunned.'"
* Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other
guys....That's between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank
Sinatra records.
* Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears....That' s like saying,
"how do you like my suit of armor" It's only got two weak spots in it--
here and here."
* If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up Ben & Jerry's
Chuncky Monkey ice cream....Instead, pull on your running shoes and pound
those calories into submission.
* Every guy should be hip about guns....Hand an economics professor a
Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun before,
he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a
reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.
* If your girlfriend is looking on, flip aloofly through that issue of
Playboy as if it were a Better Homes and Gardens special issue on
Tupperware. In a huddle of your peers, pause regularly to utter appreciative
comments like "WOW! Check that out!"...and if you're alone, study and
quantify each curve like a forensic scientist.
* When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie
department....Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a
mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.